Feel Different

He. Eheh… Um… So, while surfing my own webpages on the internet (someone has to), I came across this journal entry from Deviant Art. … Yeah, this was the year I graduated highschool… Hey, we all make bad decisions as teens, mine were just… Slightly more inner hateful than most…

“April 15, 2011,

It doesn’t cut. I tried and I tried, but it never cuts. I want to feel it, see it, taste it, but it never cuts.

I want to make it cut, stab it, destroy it, rip it to pieces. But, it never works for me. Why does it never work for me?

I couldn’t kill myself if I wanted to, I could hurt myself if I wanted to, I couldn’t become sick if I wanted to, I couldn’t even puke if I wanted to.

But, I want to, I so want to. I want to feel the pain, the sorrow. Being stuck in the normality is worse than being beaten, worse than dying, worse than rape, worse than torn families, worse than broken bones, torn clothes, homelessness, poverty.

… Because, when everyone else has something bad to talk about, you could never understand them, you’re just too normal.

Listening to: The screaming pain of you complaining
Reading: Your eulogy
Watching: You burn
Playing: With your mind
Eating: Your sorrow
Drinking: Tea


Oh! Come to me,

Sweet, decadent black liquid,

That which drives my very soul to momentum

With its intoxicating drug.

Let me drink, and fill me with energy.

For without you,

My very soul shall perish.

That which makes my heart pump,

The very insides that pour from my lips with your desire,

Speak to me.

Tell me not that you shall forsake yourself to others.

Tell me not of what buzzes

That I must cherish.

Tell me for I have ears that listen,

And speak!

Blub, Blub, Blub.

Oh, it speaks!

It’s words mimic the very rhythm of my life,

The very beat of my living muscle!

Speak again, and let me hear you.

Speak! Speaked, spaked, sparked, spiddled,

And cry unto me for you are the very glimmer in my sleepless orbs.

Blub, Blub.

Oh, it speaks again!

But, what is this? Shall I not be Thy only owner and master?

Shall I not be the only one to hoard your precious juices?

You traitor!

There is another?

How dare you!

I shall never share that which beats my very heart!


You cannot deceive me!

I will not allow such conceived lies!

Who? Who!

Wherefore, you have sound to which communication flows through!

Do not hesitate, tell me!

Inform unto me a name.

Any name, so that I may solve this problem.


He? She? Please, speak again!

Blub, Blub.

Others? More!

You mean to tell me there are more!

No, I will not stand for such,


Such ignorant passing of goods!


Never again will I sip.

Never shall you pass my lips in such an intimate manner!

You are dead to me.

Dead, I say! Dead!

Thou shalt not cry.

For I shall not weep.

We are finished,

And finished are we.


Do you ever wonder about ends meet?

Like what if the beginning and the end

Go together like a round piece of meat?

Or, have you ever heard

Of the smallest herd?

Or about to, too, and two.

Like how everyone but you

Can go through,

And you’re struck, right?

Trying to think of something to write.

But, whoever knows

When to say no?

When you grow weak

Each week,

And what to wear

When you go anywhere,

As I try to find a way.

To stop writing away.

Begging for mercy

(Inspired by a play through of “Until Dawn“)

Oh, death.
Sweet, sweet death.
Spare me this evening, I ask of you kindly.
For I am young, and have a full life ahead of me.
My hands are not wrinkled.
My face does not sag.
I would hate to sound prideful,
But I dont look like an old hag.
I have a new job,
Its going to so well.
I am thankful of my life,
If you can tell.

This is just one mistake,
it wont happen again.
I wont jump off this ledge,
So selfishly thinking, I pledge.
Please, don’t leave me
To feel this pain, and
Die alone.

The others were doing it,
I just wanted to do it, too.
I didn’t know they were merely pretending,
and didn’t explain how to
Fly without dying,
and soar over this society.

So, please, hear my cries,
And spare me for another time.
For I am full of life,
And I still have much to chime.